Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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