yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
