So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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