I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
This is classic penis vs brain.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize