you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
