i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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