Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Randomize
