My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
