woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
