he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
