everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
