omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize