I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
