3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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