Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
