I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
