They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
