if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
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