I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
