Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
