i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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