Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
