He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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