i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
