i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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