Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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