and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
