it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
