Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
