I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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