But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Less talking, more tequila
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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