The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Boobs are out for the taking
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
