She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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