i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
