I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
