I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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