Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
