The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize