If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
