My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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