So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize