I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize