dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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