now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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