If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize