If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Your penis caused this!
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