You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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