Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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