I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
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