Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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