true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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