His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
