Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
