Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
