You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
