only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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