he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dignity is for republicans.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize